Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
