i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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