I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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