so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he puts the penis in happiness.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
