today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
