it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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