Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
