let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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