He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
