hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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