shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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