funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
