Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
