it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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