i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also, beer. Big fan.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
