You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
