were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
