So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
