Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
