"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
