just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
