Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
