I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
