Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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