i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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