i just had sex bonerless
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
