Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
