how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He better not be in your backpack
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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