The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
