been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
