just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
