i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
