I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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