So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
