my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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