Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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