I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
