I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
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