i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
