I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
