Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
