you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
