Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
