I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
