No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
