just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My dad just said "fuck circus"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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