Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
