I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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