Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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