I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
